Joe's Magic Cabinet

The trump reign of terror has had one ironically positive affect; we know hella more about American government. These past three years have been nothing if not a long harrowing civics lesson. After twelve years of US history I knew two things for sure; there are three branches of government and Eli Whitney invented the Cotton Gin.  Now I can spell emoluments, subpoena, and indictment. Is quid pro quo the same as bribery? Pah- child’s play! What’s the difference between Private Attorney and Bagmam. Seriously?! Good times…Ha...ha.

To the delight of the media, our hours of fixation with government shenanigans (AKA shit storm) added up. Forget yoga, my hobby this winter was the Impeachment Hearing. Did you realize that 19 million Americans endured the Las Vegas Democratic Debate, a soul-crushing hour of snarking about policy minutia, double the 9 million who typically watch The Voice. And there were TEN debates. So, I’d venture we’re pretty up the issues too.

In the past I’ve paid scant attention to cabinet secretaries (except for Elaine Chao perpetually oiling around Republican White Houses). But since donald john trump lurched into the Oval with the stupidity and stank of Harry Potter troll, his alarming appointments and all the hiring and firing have made me hyper aware of who is pillaging the agencies they are supposed to be running. Andrew Wheeler, Wilbur Ross, Betsy DeVos, Ben Carson, Mike Pompeo, Bill Barr are a goddamn zombie apocalypse.

Forget momentarily this week’s stomach churning events, and let’s just imagine Joe Biden with his hand on the Lincoln Bible, being proffered by Ruth Bader Ginsberg, and the sigh of relief heard round the world. Who is on our wish list of Joe’s Dream Team? To build this West Wing, neither The House nor the Senate would suffer Democratic seats, nor deplete State Houses. Anyone from anywhere is game. 

One scenario that makes me giddy is Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama swaggering into the White House Special Counsel offices sending Jared and Ivanka scurrying like vermin. Obama would be tasked with reversing all of trump’s efforts to erase his legacy. Hillary would head a Special Investigation into all the mother-fuckers who spent 30 years making her life a living hell, plus Jarvanka’s private emails. I’d immediately appoint Val Demmings and Dan Goldman Special Prosecutors to indict Bill Barr, Rudy Giuliani, Devin Nunes, Dana Rorabacher, Mitch McConnell, Lindsey Graham and the trump clan for treason. Also, Puerto Rico and Washington D.C. become states.

Elizabeth Warren should be the one taking office but we get what we get and we’re not upset. So I’ve plugged her into a few spots. But I start at the top with her, because I think that with Joe as Healer in Chief, we want a progressive, a nice kind brilliant one, to give the country a much needed shove to the left.

Here’s my first pass at a Biden West Wing. This has plenty of flex and a large dose of ‘fuck you’ to team trump.  If you don’t know some of the choices, see the footnotes. I’d love to hear your ideas in the comments below:

Vice President - Elizabeth Warren* (ridiculed by dt)

AG - Kamala Harris or Preet Bharara (fired by dt)

Chief of Staff- Amy Klobuchar

Sainthood- Adam Schiff (ridiculed incessantly by dt)

Director FBI - Andrew McCabe (fired by dt)

Director NSA - Alexander Vindman (fired by dt)

Director of Communication - Pete Buttegieg

Secretary of State - Maria Yovanovitch (fired by dt)

Secretary of Defense - Richard Spencer (resigned because of dt)

Secretary of Climate Crisis - Jay  Inslee (ridiculed by dt)

Secretary of HHS - Cecil Richards

Secretary of Immigration/Border Management (abolish ICE) - Julian Castro

Secretary of Education - Elizabeth Warren

Secretary of HUD - Cory Booker

Secretary of Veteran Affairs - Tammy Duckworth

Secretary of Labor -Beto O’Rourke or Reesa Kosoff**

Secretary of Transportation - Andy Byford***

Secretary of Agriculture - Lisa Holscher ****

EPA - Al Gore or Joe Cunningham

FEMA - Chef José Andrés

Secretary of the Treasury - Elizabeth Warren

Secretary of Green Energy - Tom Steyer (100% green/renewable energy by 2040)

Secretary of Technology/Communications (FCC) - Andrew Yang 

Federal Reserve - Katie Porter

Secretary of the Interior - Gerald Wagner*****

SCOTUS - Merrick Garland & Sally Yates replace RBG & Stephen Breyer upon retirement. Amy Berman Jackson replaces Brett Kavanaugh upon impeachment

Head of Federal Election Commission - Stacey Abrams 

Special Counsels - Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Yuval Noah Harari, Rutger Bregman, Thomas Piketty, Greta Thunberg, Michael Bloomberg, Ronan Farrow

*https://www.vogue.com/article/six-women-biden-should-pick-as-running-mate 

**https://www.netrootsnation.org/profile/reesa-kossoff 

***https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2020/jan/24/new-york-subway-andy-byford-exit

****https://www.farmprogress.com/conservation/indiana-swcds-honor-lisa-holscher

*****https://www.epa.gov/tribal/national-tribal-caucus